Sunday, March 14, 2010

Movie Review: DVD "Alice" Starring Caterina Scorsone, Philip Winchester and Kathy Bates

SYFY's Alice on DVD

The 2 night miniseries Alice, which appeared on SYFY, is now on DVD. What can I say about SYFY's Alice. Writer/director Nick Willing should really get a new career. The movie was like the U.S. government, over-budget, flashy and not delivering anything you would want to see nor hear in a movie. The script was just awful. There were monologues in the middle of gunfights; unfunny comedy relief; sappy non-believable love stories within love triangle, squares, dodecahedron and set designs out of a crack pipe, not a hooka, but a crack pipe. The cinematography and location shots had more mistakes than a 3rd grade play. And if Kathy Bates didn't have a southern accent one second, just wait 2 more and she had a Welsh, Scottish, British, french one the next.

I mean this movie was bad.

First of all, for the DVD release instead of a 4 hour movie, it was 10 hours, or maybe I was just that bored. Damn me for drinking coffee right before watching this fiasco.

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Let's dissect this movie like a high school science project shall we?

The story starts out with a very modern yuppy scene, white people doing judo? The actress playing Alice, Caterina Scorsone, is 12 going on 40, or was it 40 trying to portray a 20 year old. She has a round face that reminds you of a child, but more wrinkles than Jone Rivers. She's seen more plastic surgery than Pamela Anderson's upper torso. But, I digress. Or do I? Anyway, she is teaching her new beau, Philip Winchester, whom we notice is only shot in profile, till in the last 3rd scene of the movie, when you see him from the front do you realize he has a very large and crooked nose. Poor kid. Of course he is prince charming, blond hair, typical Hollywood leading man body, so blaze, not an interesting feature and a face you could forget in a line-up.

So the story starts that Alice is to meet her new prince charming for dinner and meat the rents, or in this case mom, who turns out to be 10 times sexier than Alice. Did someone say MILF? She has a black belt in cougar, I'm sure. She only 10 years older than Caterina, so I don't know who they were trying to fool. Typical hollywood! Can't have too old of an actress. Thank God Kathy Bates can act, or she'd be out on her can, old and fat, wow 2 strikes against her in Hollywood. Anyway, the new beau tries to giver her a friendship ring, but Alice has commitment issues and told him no. Alice is a chick flick? I shoulda turned off the movie right there. The dialogue was agonizing between the mom and Alice. Anyway, she discovers the beau has slipped the ring in her pocket, since we know the beau is in trouble with someone. The beau is seen being kidnapped, and Alice is apprehended as well, when she gives chase, and thus we enter wonderland, via a serial killer windowless white van. Wow, talk about classy seguay.

When she arrives in wonderland, it looks like a post apocalyptic dump. Instead of the weird creatures and animal anthropomorphism that went into the classic tale, everyone is just a human with the classic tale name. The worst rendering of these was the "mad hatter", now shortened to hatter. There is nothing magical about the place, it is a dull boring jaunt through a very ordinary place that looked like a Harlem nightmare.

The script was... well it was terrible. It could not have been made worse with a full narration by George W Bush, made up words and all. The dialogues made no sense, and no two lines were coherent. No scene led into another scene and no lines led into another line.

Literally, I said to myself, this has got to be the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.

No logical thought process went into the scene setups. So the subplot is that throughout the entire movie, she is looking for her father. When she finds him, and he finally wakes up from amnesia, yes they actually gave him amnesia, he is shot dead within 2 seconds. Do we care? No. Why have the subplot in there, to begin with. And, when Alice returns home, and tells her mother, who had also wanted to find him at the beginning, doesn't even react. She mentions it in two scenes at the end and the mother doesn't react. You don't believe me? Look at the dialogue.

Alice:Mother, daddy is dead [cry]
Mother: honey you had me so worried

What? Wait, what movie is the mother in? Oh and the 2nd scene, she's home and obviously putting away the missing father's items.

Mother: what are you doing honey
Alice: I don't need these anymore. I need to move on, since I know about daddy now
Mother: that construction worker is here to see you

Time out. Is it me or did she just ignore the fact that her husband, who has been missing, and she didn't remarry, for 10 years is now found and pronounced dead?

The entire movie went like this. It is as if 2 separate people wrote the script and didn't communicate with each other and just handed it to the actors on shooting day.

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