Thursday, October 15, 2009

Do You Mother Your Children?

So Many "Parents" So Little "Parenting"



I wanted to take a break and breach a topic that no one seems to want to say out in the open. And, I think this is one of the MAJOR problems facing America today. A general lack of parenting. I understand you now have two jobs in a household and you don't have time to pay attention to parenting. And, yes, contrary to what the news tells you, there are not and overwhelming amount of single parent homes. I know that's probably shocking news. And, you might be wondering why I even bring up that there aren't a plethora of single parent homes. Because when I say there is a general lack of parenting going on, people always get defensive and think "that doesn't apply to me, because there's probably tons of single parents who have no home training themselves." Or, you might think that teen pregnancy is the reason behind the break down in social norms.



No, the majority of all households, regardless of race, in America, are married with children. So this applies to everyone.


So what's the problem? It's obvious isn't it? We, moms and dads, are so caught up in the nuts and bolts of American living that we don't even take the time to think ABOUT parenting. Oh, you might delude yourself into thinking that you are a good parent. You might even fool yourself into believing that you of all people are doing the right thing by your kids.



I'm not going to go into a whole child psychology episode. What I want to concentrate on is "mothering" your children. What I mean by "mothering", is the whole June Cleaver type of mom.

  • baking fresh pies
  • reading to her kids while they sit on her lap
  • rocking them to sleep while they lay their head against your breast in a rocking chair
  • stopping them to have a "how did school go today Beav" and sitting down and listening
  • hugging them good morning
  • hugging them good night
  • tousling their hair
  • kissing them off to school
  • dressing them
  • tying their shoes
  • cooking them home made meals
  • playing board games with them
  • playing thinking games with them
This is not an exhaustive list, but you get the idea of where I'm going with this. This is mothering.

Mothering Your Child is Feeding Your Child



Taking your kids to McDonalds and giving them a "happy meal" is not only not good parenting, but you are killing your kid in the process and child protective services should come take the kids away from you. For all the information we know today, there is no excuse why any parent should take their child to McDonalds or any other fast death ... I mean fast food place in America. I cannot convey to you how very serious I am about that particular point.

Home cooked meals, with vegetables, meats, fruits, is the only thing you should be feeding your kids. Prepared lunches from home with nutritious home cooked food, is the only thing your kid should be eating at schools. Even the schools are a disgusting fat causing; diabetes causing; disease ridden place now. One school that refused the state food and hired its own pure foods company to come in and cook for them, came under fire from the soda companies and the junk food companies. But, it was a losing battle for those companies. You may have seen the piece on t.v.. It was a school for "troubled" kids. They found IMMEDIATELY that when the children ate nutritious meals, ALL of their problems disappeared. In fact, they had no instance of violence, truancy, bad behavior at all at the school. And, the principal attributed it all to the diet they provided the students. She said the good healthy food cleared up the "behavioral disorders".

Do you see how serious food is with the development of your child? All of these over diagnosis of ADHD could simply be that your little child is eating junk food as their only source of nutrition throughout the day.

Mothering Your Child with Hugs and Kisses



I grew up afraid of my mother for a big portion of my formative years. As an adult, I came to understand that she is just an evil, selfish person. I point this out, because I think there is a lot of selfishness going on that people do not think about when parenting. The man that feeds his kids first, before he eats, is a good father. My paternal grandmother, would feed us and wait till we were done eating before she ate. She cooked every meal and stood by the table. I would always ask her to sit down and eat. She would just smile. She and my maternal grandmother helped form me into the caring individual that I am today. She died when I was young, and I have not met such a lady since her passing.

She was the epitome of a good mother. She was so kind. She was so generous. She would cheer me on, even when I knew she was joking about a ridiculous topic. She would say stuff like "one day you'll be a"... this or that. This is how you mother your children.

My maternal grandmother was the same way. She would sit me down and listen to me and teach me things from her own wisdom. I'm sure plenty of you right there, may have said under your breath that there are many women today with children "with no wisdom". You may be right. You may just be right. But, that's your responsibility as a good neighbor too. Take a young mother under your wing. We need to stop being afraid of someone telling us off, and be more afraid that they are raising hoodlum kids that will turn out to be mass murderers. Which is more fearful, that your young mother neighbor might tell you to mind your own business or that her son my murder your own child one day?

Yes, I lay such things at the feet of the parents. When the child is controlling the parent, that's a broken household. I don't care how many psychologist say "but the father and mother are together". If the father is busy at work all the time, comes home, drinks a beer and falls asleep. And, the mother lets the children do whatever they want to, including cursing her out and yelling at her, that is not a family. That is a group of individuals in a house.



Mother Them When They are Young



Every bad parent looks up and says "how did i end up with THIS". Their child is now 12 or 16 and cursing them out, stealing money from them, slapping them, or worse. This didn't just happen. This didn't creep up all of a sudden and voila, juvenile delinquent. This started from the day you brought that little bundle home from the hospital. You sat the bundle down, went and cried over the hospital bills and called up 100 day care centers, because you had to be to work in a couple of days. That's when that started. When you didn't take the time to enjoy the first words or first steps of your toddler. That's when that started. When he cried the first day of school and you told him to shut up. That's when that started. When he threw a temper tantrum because that's the only thing YOU respond to. That's when that started.

You have to love and mother your child from day one. You have to keep your eyes and ears open for him / her, because they don't have the same eyes and ears you have.

Yelling - trust me on this on! When you yell at a child, it's just like yelling at a dog or a cat, they don't hear anything you say, they only hear yelling. If you simply must yell, yell only their name. The rest, say in a conversational tone. You can be stern and not yell. You can be firm and not yell. Trust me, you do not want your child afraid of you. Because when some life experience comes that they need an adult to help them figure out, they are not going to come to you with it, they are going to go ask their older, hoodlum friends about it. Oh, and guess where that's leading.

Love your child even when they do wrong. Parenting isn't about beating your child to death when they do something YOU think is wrong. Parenting is instructing a child as to making the correct decisions when presented with life's lessons. Let's take a look at this word "wrong". Stealing is wrong. Yes, everyone can agree with that. But, why is your child stealing in the first place. I guarantee, you taught your child to steal. I guarantee you did something that made them feel, the only way they could obtain the object was by stealing. Or, they wanted to get your attention, your fault. Or, they learned it from a hoodlum friend, your fault. Either way, it is your fault they did wrong. Now some things aren't wrong at all. you just happen to consider them wrong. To another person, or parent, they wouldn't be wrong at all. This is a case of you parenting your child from day one to believe in your way of thinking. Maybe you think it is wrong to drink alcohol. That is obviously something debatable. You wouldn't beat or scream at your child for drinking. You would instruct them beforehand as to how you believe and how they should believe. The difference is oceans apart from yelling or screaming. If you don't want your child to smoke or drink, you would teach them your value system. They may grow out of your value system, as an adult, but as a child they will adopt your value system.

Mothering is the way to not only cultivate a warm and loving child, but also teach them your values. How defensive would a child be, if you sat with them in your lap in a rocking chair and you talked about your value system to them night after night? Not at all! You are providing a warm loving environment, that they now associate with your value system. When one of life's lessons presents itself, they will be glad to decide in favor of your value system, because of how you presented it. They will also enjoy telling you how they came to that decision.

Conclusion



I am going to say this, and I make no apologies about it. I am Black, so of course I grew up around Black parents. I have not conducted any scientific studies on the subject, but I get a sense of general lack of mothering in the Black community. I understand that being Black in America is very frustrating. It's hard to get and keep jobs in America for Black parents. And, the system may be designed that way, to be against Black Americans. Please, distance your own frustrations from your children. When it comes to your children, you need to mother them. You need to make them feel that they are the apple of your eye. That's the way it should be.

So often I hear Black mothers yelling and screaming at their children. I see them cursing their own children with harsh adult curse words. I see them embarrassing their children in public, for all the world to hear. I see them act selfishly towards their children.

I admit, probably these examples I'm giving, ought not to have children in the first place, but it is a reality that they have them. We need to take time out and try and help them, not just shrug and move on. If we are a community, Black and White, we should act like a community. There's nothing to say that you can't correct a young white mother as much as you can a young Black mother.

Like I said, swallow your own pride and take a young mother under your wing. And, if they try to tell you off, simply tell them that you want what's best for them, what's best for their child, and that you're older and wiser and they better listen, because they only have one chance to raise their child.

And, that's the truth. You have only one opportunity to raise your child.


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