Monday, November 15, 2010

For Blacks: Do Not Burn Your Bridges

What is Burning Bridges?


The Secret of Relationships (click here)
Burning a bridge was originally something that an army would do so that the enemy could not possibly get to you.  Don't confuse this with the army action of destroying a bridge, which simply means you come to a bridge destroy it, so that supplies can't get to your enemy.  Specifically burning a bridge meant that you cut off all avenues of someone else getting to you.  They turned this military action into a figurative, relationship action later on by ascribing someone's bad behavior with burning bridges.  In essence, if you make it so that you will be so unwelcome around another person or group of people, you are figuratively burning the bridge of the relationship.

I notice that Black people, and I only care about Black people ... other races my do it, I could care less, burn their bridges all over the place.  It seems to be an act of desperation and a complete lack of wisdom and maturity.

Imagine for a second that you hate a low paying job, that takes up all of your time, to such a degree that you cannot even go and find a higher paying job.  Instead of you quietly putting in a nice MONTH'S notice, and quitting, you get SO frustrated that you get mad one day and in a complete rage, blow up at a customer or boss and storm out saying how you quit, or get fired on the spot.

The problem with the scenario is that you are not in control.  The whole rage, drama, cursing someone out is you losing all control and letting someone else control you and your emotions.  When you rage-quit you are putting your life and finances into someone else's hands.  You are literally saying, some random person, whom you don't even know, is so important that you are giving control over to them.

How Not to Burn Your Bridges


In a Personal Relationship:  Instead of you blowing up at your boyfriend/girlfriend, take control of the relationship and ask for a time-out from the relationship.  This isn't a carte blanche to go and sleep with the neighbors, this is a brief respite to take a breather and search yourself, to see if the person you're with is a positive or negative in your life.  If they cannot give you a time-out period, then clearly that person isn't the one for you, to begin with.



Someone that truly loved you, would not cling so tightly to you that they cannot loosen their grip to let you breathe. The mature suitor [yes i still believe people date to seek out a potential wife/husband, not just screw around] would let you have some space to determine if you are ready for him/her.  It might also give them a chance to notice that you're too fat / bald / skinny / bad breath / broke / cheap / annoying for them too.

So if you ask to take a break from someone, you take control of your life and your relationship.  You cannot just live for other people, who may or may not be a very bad influence on you.  Also with an avenue out it will save you from an abusive relationship.

Furthermore if you ask for a break and the person then proceeds to act like a mad banshee, stalking you can acting super jealous, then you know that is not the one for you.  You do not want to be around someone that loses control and is unsure of their own relationship status that they have to resort to checking up on you.  Nor, do you want to be acting jealous because you asked for a time-out and cannot cope with being away from the person.  The time-out is for you.  To pull yourself together and take stock of what is going on in your life and your relationship.

Finally, if you ask for a time-out and the other person starts sleeping around, then you know for sure that, he  / she is not the one for you.  The time-out is simply a break for being around each other all the time.  It is not an end of the relationship.  Make sure both parties understand clearly that the relationship is not over.  If you or your suitor cannot understand what a time-out is, then perhaps you or they need to do a little bit of growing to figure out what adults do in relationships.  I would prefer you not sleep with your suitor, but that's just me.  And, if your suitor insists that you need to sleep with them to have a relationship [cuz all the cool kids do it] then you know that's not the one for you.  There is a right way and wrong way to do a relationship.

In a Job Relationship: Instead of you going off on a customer or boss, take control of your life and finances and hand in a resignation with a month's notice.  2 weeks is not enough to find a replacement for you, and a kindly worded letter that is purely professional, i.e. not a letter talking about how you feel bad about Suzy stealing your lunch every day or how Brenda's breath smells or how you have a hard time finding a baby sitter for the random night shifts you have to pull.

Do not include personal drama in your letter.  Make sure you say only great things about the company and be extremely vague about why you need to leave.  Get it?
  • praise the company
  • be vague about why you're leaving
  • work quietly before you hand in your resignation, during the resignation period and up to the day you leave
By doing this, you take control of the situation.  That very same job you so hate, might have to be there if your circumstances change.


Now notice I did not say, "don't quit your job without finding another job."  Why didn't I say that?  Seems logical and the best possible policy for your financial safety.  I didn't say that for one reason?  Experience!  I have had no end of low end, entry level jobs that take up all of your time and don't allow you to even get dressed and go look for a better job that pays twice as much, has benefits and room for tremendous growth.  You cannot have only Sunday's off and be expected to find a job, carry out interviews and land the job.

I will say this.  When you realize that you hate your job, don't immediately put in your month's notice. No no no!  You reduce all your expenses, and yes you got expenses you don't need, cuz that's how all Americans are right now, buying crap they cannot afford and thinking they'll worry about paying it later.  Cut that crap out.  Reduce all your expenses except necessary bills:
  • food [cook your own food, don't eat at McDonalds, it's not only unhealthy, but it's expensive now. if you're too lazy to cook your own food, then you probably aren't even reading all the way down here in the article to begin with.]
  • power [gotta have a/c and heat]
  • internet [yes it is now necessary] NOT CABLE T.V. [don't be a pussy and say you gotta have cable t.v.]
  • cell phone [yeah they got us on cell phones finally, but I say get the cheapest plan possible and use it only for job contacts, you don't give it out to friends who wanna talk about "girl you will not guess who I saw Suzy kissin on at the mall today, and Ronny at home with the baby"]  You need a mobile phone to get employers to call you.
  • transportation [your best bet is to actually buy the oldest, cheapest, 2nd hand car you can find. the bus is a terrible idea as a method of transportation.  if you ever need to be somewhere in 30 minutes, relying on city transport of any kind is just not a viable means of transportation.  HOWEVER, be careful when driving, cops are out to get money out of you, any chance they get.  You can use the bus to do stuff like go to the movies or go see a friend across town.  I would seriously limit your time in your own car. It is far more economic to use the bus for personal trips, than it is to use your car for everything.  Limit car use to job and shopping, when you need the space to carry groceries.]
So instead of you just getting mad at your job and throwing in the towel, even if it's a nicely worded resignation, first save enough money to take care of ALL your expenses for 3 months, while you look for a job. This way if you don't find a job right away, you don't have to panic about it.  Or, if you're the type that cannot control yourself if you have $5,000 in the bank, go ahead and prepay your bills for 3 months.  Trust me the power company and cell phone company will NOT give you back your money telling you, you over-payed. LOL!


This way, you are in control of your finances and your life.  Burning bridges is a bad thing.  We have to be twice as good as the next guy and wiser than our boss.  I won't go into my whole speech about Black people only getting jobs and not owning their own business right now.

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