Jokes So Bad They're Hilarious

My wife’s cooking is so bad. In my family we say a prayer AFTER we eat.

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO

"They sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all."

My wife and I decided only to smoke after sex. I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day.


"My father had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me."

I told my wife I was seeing a psychiatrist.
She said she’s seeing a psychiatrist a bartender and two plumbers

My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat...she wants me to drive.

I met a girl once.  She was great.  Beautiful. I left her for my wife and kids

I told his landlord that I wanted to live in a more expensive apartment so she raised his rent!

There was a custody battle for me an noone showed up

My wife's cooking was so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door!

"I had an uncle that was sent to the electric chair....he asked me to sit on his lap!"

The doctor said "I'm afraid you have a terrible disease but don't worry we will put you up in a nice room and feed you Lebanese bread and sliced cucumber" I said " Gee doc will that cure me?"  He said "No that's the only thing that will fit under the door".

The doctor asked me "Do you still have the ringing in your ears" ?  -  "I'm even getting busy signals now"

"My doctor told me to take plenty of fluids and get a lot of rest.  I drank until I passed out."

"My wife, she's the worst cook in the world. We have the only dog who begs for Alka-Seltzer".

Some Days I'd Like to Give up My Brain

I Want to Be a Normal American

Some days I sit and just look at all the horrible things that go on right in front of my face and I think, "how come no one sees this?"  But, I think I am the only one that is awake.  I think I am the only one that can see the strings being pulled.  I think I am the only one that sees the man behind the curtain, pulling the levers and working the pipes and pushing the peddles.  I think I am the only man in America that doesn't think putting business before government is not, business as usual.  I don't think anyone that is awake or cognizant of what is going on, could tolerate this insanity.  Then, in the still quiet of the morning, when I am feeling my lowest, and world is quiet and the sun is thinking about peeking over the horizon for a new day, that's when I think I should just be an American, a normal American.

• I'd give up this brain and not have a care in the world, just as dumb as a box of hammers, silly as a slaughtered cow, and just as stupid a mule butting my head up against a tree, because I think it's in the way
• I'd give up this brain and not have a concern about money, just as broke as I don't know what, giving my paycheck over to the government or the retail store just as fast as I could cash it, paying a fee to even get it cashed
• I'd give up this brain and go buy overly expensive clothes to impress my clique, my friends, who can't afford the clothes they're in too, because that's what cool people wear, and we don't know they can afford it
• I'd give up this brain and sign up for 20 credit cards and never pay them back, never being able to buy a house or a car ever in my life, and if I ever got married, the day I signed the "I do" papers, would be the day her credit would plummet just for being married to me 
• I'd give up this brain and go take everything I could get my hands on, because that's what cool people do and if you talk bad about stuff, then you're automatically not cool, but if you do stuff and talk about doing stuff, you automatically are cool, because because because yeah, I'm too stupid to make up my own mind and look around seeing how stuff ruin people left and right and sheep them left and right
• I'd give up this brain and have mad gender partners of all kinds, shapes, sizes and genders, because being gender is cool and hip and groovy baby, because that's what the cool kids say, who cares if it feels completely unnatural and hurts and you wind up bleeding, being cool and American is what it's all about right?
• I'd give up this brain and walk into McDonalds and eat their chemcial burgers and not care that I'm suddenly addicted to a salt I can't even pronounce and a fake sugar I couldn't understand even with a chemistry degree, and who cares that I go from a size 28" waist to a 45" waist in 6 months, cuz that's what all the cool Americans do right?
• I'd give up this brain and go get the stupid flu vaccine every August, because that's what the t.v. that I love to watch, and believe everything that comes out of it says, because everyone that is someone has to take the flu shot every August and ignore those stories about autism, Guillain-Barré, and people being paralyzed for the rest of their life, besides, I gotta be at the water cooler and complain how much the shot hurt at the water cooler in the office, at the job I don't have, cuz that's what cool Americans do.

That's the life eh?

And, you ask what would be the point of that?  You ask what would that accomplish?

I'd be happy.  I wouldn't write political blogs and have people curse me out.  I wouldn't have my audience at one of my online t.v. shows, that is also political, call me at 3a.m. and curse me out.  I wouldn't have my facebook friends curse me out in public about how she hates my political links, because people on the internet want to hear jokes, not the news.  I'd have lots of druggy friends.  I have all sorts of disease infested gender , instead of no gender .  I think I'd be really happy in my ignorance.  I think I would be really popular.  I think I'd be stuff within 5 years.

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Isaiah Mustafa Old Spice Commercial

Isaiah Mustafa in Old Spice Commercial

If you haven't seen this great commercial staring Isaiah Mustafa, then I present it here for your viewing pleasure.  Of course the commercial is aimed at men, but it's aimed at men, who think that women will want a man that smells like old spice, so it's aimed at women who will aim it at men, so men will subconsciously buy it to get women.  What's really confusing is Isaiah Mustafa is half naked through the entire commercial.

So how is it aimed at men exactly?  Well, I'll tell you since, I happen to be a man.  The entire commercial is done using a technical feet called one take.  That's right, the actor delivering the script says the entire commercial all in one take.  As if that weren't super crazy technical, oh shiny enough for a guy, there's lots going on in that one take that is eye candy, and no I'm not talking about Isaiah Mustafa.  There is continuous morphing of not only Isaiah's clothing, but there's special effects in his hands and the background.  He goes from shower, to boat, to beach, to horse all in one take.  Meanwhile in his hand he has shower gel, clam, tickets, diamonds, shower gell all in one take.  Finally he has a deep manly voice delivered throughout the commercial, which, while deemed good to a woman, is something men would want to emulate for women.

Isaiah was nominated for an Emmy for this commercial, and NBC has signed him up for a show.  I consider it of utmost importance that the entire country outwardly is lusting after a Black man as the symbol of pure good and manliness, something kept hush hush for centuries now.  The video alone on youtube received 12 million hits since it was uploaded.  That is a complete viral number.

Isaiah Mustafa "I'm on a horse"

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